


A Study In Joan

by Cloudnoodle



Category: Elementary (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Female Character, Bisexual Female Character of Color, Coming Out, Disabled Character of Color, F/F, Fluff, Like a teensy bit of angst, bisexual Joan Watson
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-01
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-02-11 08:53:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 10,062
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2061831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cloudnoodle/pseuds/Cloudnoodle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Joan meets a cute baker and figures out she was bisexual all along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic ever.  
> I tried my best to portray a blind character accurately but if there are things I messed up, please let me know, so I can improve.  
> Bisexual Joan Watson is my life.

Joan came into the bakery. The door closed behind her bumping the bell for the second time. It was a cozy space: small tables with mis-matched chairs stood to both sides of the front door, the counter and shelves with muffins, buns and other such things lined the wall opposite. In the middle of it all, stood a woman, about Joan's age, with beautiful natural hair loosely tied up away from her face. There was one customer in front of Joan, a young man. He was putting money on the counter just as Joan stepped up.  
'I beg your pardon,' said the woman behind the counter. 'This isn't enough.'  
'It's enough. I'm the one who can see here.'  
Joan looked at the woman more closely – her eyes were aimed at the man but not exactly looking at him.  
'Yes, but I can count, sir.'  
'I think, I can do that better than you. I want to talk to your manager.'  
The woman smiled, pleasantly enough, and her eyes betrayed none of the cold, which Joan felt emanating from her anyway.  
'Yes, sir, I am the owner. How may I help you?'  
The man said nothing.  
'For the capitalist system to work, it is crucial that people are compensated accordingly for the goods and services they provide. As such we have two options here, option one is for me to keep those two muffins, option two is for you to add four more dollars.'  
She held up the bulging paper bag.  
'Fine!' the man slammed a bill on the counter, grabbed the bag from the woman's grip. 'Keep the change!'  
Joan watched as he stomped out. She turned back and stepped up to the counter.  
'Hello.' the woman behind the counter smiled, quite warmly. 'My apologies that you had to witness that.'  
'I'm sorry this happened to you.' replied Joan, studying the other woman's face up close. She was very pretty, her face illuminated by spring sun coming through the windows, her hair tumbling gracefully.  
Joan realized that the woman did not reply right away.  
'So, how may I help you with your pastry needs this morning?' she said finally.  
Joan glanced at the selection.  
'I'll … take two blueberry muffins.'  
'Are you sure?'  
'Uh, I beg your pardon?'  
'Are you sure you want the blueberry muffins? It is a pretty boring choice.'  
'And what makes you think that isn't exactly what I want?' But Joan did not sound irritated, she did not feel angry or annoyed, she felt... intrigued. It was all very strange.  
'Just a hunch.'  
'Do you normally suggest that people reconsider their muffin choices?'  
The woman considered.  
'No, not as a rule, but sometimes. When I get a hunch.' She smiled again and Joan found her eyes. She smiled too, even though the woman could not see. Realizing it, Joan felt a pang of guilt.  
'So...', she began, 'what do you recommend?'

Joan left the bakery a while later carrying two beetroot chocolate muffins and a donut which she did not particularly want, but Lena – how did she sneak her name in there Joan had no idea, she also got Joan's name out as well somehow – was very insistent. Joan walked home deep in thought about the strange encounter with the beautiful baker. She took out the donut and bit into it.


	2. Second

Two days passed before Joan went back to the bakery. She and Sherlock both loved the muffins, even though he pretended not to, but Joan could see through it. It was late morning again because Sherlock did not wake her up for once (they had no case at the moment and she forbade him to come barging into her room in the morning). Silent grey rain drizzled on Joan and the rest of the city. She reached the bakery and suddenly it occurred to her – what if Lena was not there this time? Surely standing behind the counter was not a role she took on regularly. Perhaps she could ask whoever was there if Lena was there, thought Joan just as she reached the place. She opened the door, the bell rang once and then again. Lena was not there. Behind a counter stood a different person.  
'Hello. How may I help you with your bakery needs this morning?', they said as Joan approached and she smiled – figures that Lena would make them all use the greeting – and then realized what she was thinking – where did that come from?  
'Actually I would like to see Lena, if she is here?' Joan hoped she sounded nonchalant.  
'Uh, yes, sure,' the cashier sounded confused. Same here, thought Joan, but there was no escaping now – it would be juvenile, besides, Joan Watson was not the one to back away, that is unless there was crippling guilt and self-trust issues involved, but she did not want to think about that just now, especially since the familiar face now emerged through a door behind the counter.  
'Hi Joan,' she greeted stepping up to the counter and Joan found herself wishing this barrier separating them disappeared. Lena must have thought the same because she asked: 'Would you like some coffee? You can sit down on the couch in the corner.'  
'OK, yes.' said Joan although it seemed as though that did not really require an answer. 'Can we have donuts too?'  
The corners of Lena's mouth twitched upwards.  
'Yes, of course. Shall I pick them out?'  
'OK.'   
A minute later Lena was siting on the other end of the small couch, half-facing Joan.  
'So... hello.' she said and Joan realized that she might be at least a little nervous too, despite her apparent ease.  
'Hello.' replied Joan, smiling, she could not help it. It was weird. She did not smile so much, usually. It was not that she walked around with a frown but she did not remember the last time something or someone made her smile like this either.  
'You wanted to talk, Joan?'  
'Beg your pardon?'  
'You asked for me. I assume you would like to talk.'  
'Yes.'  
'Anything in particular?'  
Being upfront always worked best for Joan, why should this time be different?  
'Have we been flirting?'  
'Uh...' Lena bit her lip, clearly flustered, Joan felt better – it was not just her. 'Depends, I suppose.'  
'On what?'  
'Whether you are attracted to me or not.'  
'Why does it have to depend on me?'  
'Because I know what I feel.'  
'You know?'  
'Why yes, people usually know how they feel, don't they?'  
'This is not a usual situation. Not to me.' Joan replied somewhat irritably, without realizing why, Lena certainly registered that.  
'I... apologize. I did not mean to push you. I just had a hunch – I did not realize this was the first time for you.'  
Joan's heart was racing.  
'It's not. Not the first time.' She looked around, grabbed her bag, stood up.  
'Joan?' Lena sounded worried. 'Please, talk.'  
Joan took a deep breath.  
'No. Not now.' she stepped away to leave.  
'Joan!' called Lena as Joan was about to open the door, she froze. 'I hope... that you will come back. Even if you don't want to be flirting anymore.'  
'OK.' she said, even though she meant _I don't know._


	3. Memories

Joan stepped on the sidewalk, turned and walked hastily without thinking, without looking, the conversation playing and replaying in her head. She stopped. No, this was not going to do. She turned again and started going home, by which she meant the brownstone. When did it that happen? She shook her head, it did not matter now. She needed to sort herself out. She was Joan Watson after all, always with a firm grip on herself and a clear head. She did not lose herself with Mycroft. Liam... was serious but she still handled it – and this – this was not even serious, was it? Joan wished she would have someone to talk to about this, someone who would not freak out and would not make fun, which eliminated most people she knew. Joan considered Sherlock for a while – he could be exactly who she needed but could also be the complete opposite. She did not want to risk it. No, first, she needed to collect her thoughts. Joan stopped in front of a coffee place, it was a good a choice as any.  
A coffee and a book (to lessen the chance to be bothered) on the small table in front of her, Joan sat thinking. She was a little angry and disappointed with herself for freaking out like that. This was 2013 and New York for God's sake. She had nothing to fear, she knew that. It was not fear though, she realized, more... memories she thought she did not think could affect her anymore. Evidently, she was wrong. 

They were seventeen, Joan and Julia, best friends since forever, always together, JJ their friends called them, as though they were one person, but they could not have been more different. They had the same family-imposed obligations, of course: Ivy League, medical school. Joan complied with it all easily, she enjoyed it, wanted to be a doctor, whereas Julia... was something else. There were limits, of course, to what she could do, but she did her best. Julia sneaked out. She convinced her parents to let her play soccer to diversify her extracurricular activities and to get a chance at a sports scholarship. It will be my ticket out, she used to say, they won't be able to do anything about it if I have a full ride. I love you, she said once, in a very quiet voice and Joan realized she did not mean as a friend, she knew what gay was. They were sprawled on the floor in Julia's room, listening to some weird French music that Joan liked. The words hung in the room for a minute before Joan sat up straight. She did not know what to say, it was a bit unexpected after all (although looking back, she realized she should not have been so surprised). Are you freaked out, asked Julia, timidly. Joan did not want to hurt her. No, I mean, yes, she spoke slowly, carefully choosing her words, no one has ever told me they loved me before. Julia smiled, relieved and it calmed Joan down a little too. But, she continued and saw Julia's face fall, I'm sorry, I just, I just don't feel, I mean, I love you, but you're my sister, I'm sorry. And she was truly sorry, she wanted to love Julia the way she wanted to be loved. Joan did the best she could though, even went to a gay bar with Julia, which was, of course, what brought about the end of JJ. Joan got off easy, her family just wanted to save face and see her daughter off to college. She got a lecture about how her actions would affect her future career and was grounded basically until college. She did not fight. It did not matter because Julia was taken away. She never saw or heard from her again.


	4. Flowers

Joan gazed out through the window and wondered where Julia might be. She would like to talk to her. As the years passed, thoughts came unbidden and she wondered from time to time, if in fact she returned Julia's feelings only did not know it back then. Surely, she would not think about it all these years later if there was nothing there. Surely, it would not affect her like it did. In the end, it did not matter much, decided Joan. Julia was gone. Lena was here and she needed to figure that out. Joan knew, of course, that bisexuality was a thing. She genuinely loved Liam and was attracted to Mycroft, she would not dispute those facts, her feelings were always true. But then what if she might not have realized some of them? She and Julia were so close, they grew up together, they knew everything about each other, at least as much as they could ever know. Joan loved Julia, she thought it was a friendship, purely platonic love, but what if it was not? Looking so far back, the brain might play tricks on you. She did spend days crying _afterwards_ , she even tried to run away one night, try to find Julia. It never came to anything. There might have been dreams of kisses and cuddles but Joan could not be sure – her mind might be reaching right now. She just tried so hard never to think about it all again, not after what happened with Julia. She had her career to think about, her family's face. Whatever that meant. But all that did not matter anymore. Even her mother said so.

In the end, Joan decided not to rush, mull over it some more. She stood up and left the coffee place, absently throwing away her half-drunk coffee. Trying to shake her thoughts away from Julia and distance herself from her own feelings, she thought about Lena and how she must be feeling and realized she should not have left like that, with things unexplained, except that she had no explanations. Nevertheless, it was not fair. Joan spotted a flower shop, crossed the street and entered the fragrant colorful shop. She stopped abruptly. Perhaps this was not a good idea after all. She could be completely misunderstood. But she wanted to do something.  
'Hello. May I help you?' a shopping assistant stepped up. Joan glanced at them – they had red hair tied in a pony tail and wore a black t-shirt.  
'Yes. I want to send flowers to a friend.'  
'OK. Do you have something specific in mind or would you like me to recommend you some options?'  
Joan considered for a moment.  
'Something small, with cornflowers and something yellow.'  
In a few minutes a small cute bouquet stood on the counter while Joan wrote the address and a note:

_I'm sorry I left so abruptly._  
You did nothing wrong.  
I just need to think about this.  
-Joan 

The shop door closed behind her and Joan stepped onto the street feeling calmer. It had stopped raining. Absentmindedly, she turned homeward.


	5. Talk

Sherlock was not there when she got back, he had left a note on the mirror in the hall saying:

_Went out to perform sponsor duties.  
-S._

But something was making noise in the kitchen, Joan heard dishes clinking. She took off her jacket and shoes, walked round to the kitchen. Ms Hudson stood facing the sink.  
'Hello.' said Joan.  
Ms Hudson started and turned.  
'I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.'  
'That's OK. I'm almost done here. Don't let me disturb you.'  
'You're not disturbing me. That's been taken care of by someone else.'  
'I see.' Ms Hudson took a towel from the kitchen counter and dried her hands. 'Would you like to talk about it?'  
'I... don't know.'  
'Let me make you some tea.' and she turned around without waiting for an answer. 'Tea always helps me.'  
Joan sat down at the table. Ms Hudson fussed over the cups and tea leaves. Small pause. Joan considered whether or not she should tell Ms Hudson about Julia and Lena, she was the last person she could have thought of (as evidenced by the fact that she did not) to talk to, but perhaps that was a good thing. A minute later after setting down cups and a teapot and a plate with cookies, Ms Hudson sat down facing Joan.  
'So, who is the jerk?' she asked while pouring tea.  
'There is no jerk.' said Joan and took a sip. 'It's...' and she decided to forgo caution: 'I met this woman...' Joan saw Ms Hudson's eyebrows rise ever so slightly, but she did not say anything and Joan was not going to be deterred now. She plunged on, and Mr Hudson did not interrupt.  
'… So, now I don't know how I feel or what to do.' finished Joan sooner than she expected, for all the inner turmoil the story and her feelings apparently were not so complex. Ms Hudson was silent for a few seconds.  
'What do you think it is exactly that you are worried about?' she finally asked.  
Joan exhaled sharply relaxing her back and sitting back into the chair after sitting straight up all that time. This was unexpected. She found that she could not say what exactly worried her. Was there a reason to be torn up about this at all? Ms Hudson evidently saw her struggling with the thoughts.  
'The way I see it, dear, this woman is lovely and interested. And there definitely there is some interest on your part as well, the exact nature of which is unknown for the moment. So, putting everything else aside for a moment, let's look at this way: if she were a man and you had similarly unsure feelings, would you continue flirting, would you ask or agree to go on a date with him?'  
A few moments of thought. Among other things, Joan appreciated the rational approach Ms Hudson chose to help her. Joan wondered a moment whether Ms Hudson guessed rather shrewdly that this was what Joan needed or whether it was just her own nature. Either way, Joan liked that.  
'Yes,' began Joan slowly. 'to the flirting... yes, to the agreeing on a date... yes, to asking out,' she finished, not thinking about the hypothetical man anymore but about Lena, and maybe just a little bit sadly about Julia too. Yes, she would have liked that, if only she could have seen what her feelings really were. Dressing up (oh God, Julia was beautiful and loved to dress up), going out, holding hands, talking (which is the one thing they actually did, it was Joan's favorite thing), kissing good night.  
'You are not thinking about the hypothetical scenario, are you?' asked Ms Hudson gently and Joan realized she had drifted away for a bit and felt herself smile.  
'No, I've been thinking about the real-life scenarios.'  
Ms Hudson smiled.  
Pause.  
'I am sorry about your friend, Julia.'  
'Me too.'  
Another pause.  
'Thank you, Ms Hudson.'  
'I am glad I could help, dear.'  
Thoughtful breath or two. Joan suddenly laughed softly. Ms Hudson looked at her questioningly.  
'I just never thought that I would be coming out in my forties.'  
'You know, you don't have to, if you don't want to, you can just live your life.'  
'I can, but I doubt the rest of the world will just let me be. At least, not all of it.'  
'But you can choose the way you respond to it.'  
'I suppose.' said Joan and thought for a moment. 'I am certainly not hiding.'  
'Of course not.' Ms Hudson smiled approvingly.  
'I just don't want them to think that... my life before was a lie.' Joan bit her lip.  
'You can't help what other people think. If that's important to you, you can explain to people who are important to you.'

Joan smiled into the dark to herself that night before she fell asleep with the thought of Lena.


	6. Call

As luck would have it, though, they got a case that morning. Sherlock was being annoying and she had no time to slip out to the bakery for three days. On the morning of the fourth day, the fridge was empty and Sherlock was asleep on the floor of the living room, papers of research and evidence everywhere, so she quietly sneaked out. Oh God, I'm such a child, she thought closing the front door careful not to make a sound.  
The air outside was dry and crisp. Joan took a deep breath, stepped off the stairs and set off briskly to the bakery. She felt more nervous than the situation warranted. It was also exciting. Joan smiled to herself as she walked, it was very unusual, she realized. For some reason, her mind strayed to Julia again, she had the most beautiful smile. Joan hoped, wherever Julia was now, that she was smiling.

Joan reached the bakery. The familiar bell tinkled twice. She did not know what she was expecting. No, she knew what she expected, she counted, actually, on Lena being there. But she was not. There was yet another new person behind the counter. He appeared very confused by Joan's request for Lena.  
'She's not here.'  
'Oh.' was all Joan could get out. What she was to do now? 'Do you know if she will be in today?'  
The black man behind the counter opened his mouth to answer but then stopped himself, his eyes narrowed.  
'Why do you want to know?'  
'I...' Joan began but before she finished another person emerged from the door in the back – she had olive skin and lovely round face, she was wiping her hands on an apron stained with multicolored frosting. She looked at Joan, and Joan suddenly had an overwhelming urge to to run away but just stood there.  
'You've sent the flowers.' the woman stated simply.  
'Yes.'  
'I'm Mindy, Lena's business partner.'  
'My name is Joan.'  
'I know.'  
'Can you... can you tell me where I can find Lena?'  
'I don't know.' Mindy was considering something. 'OK, I suppose she won't mind if I give you her number.'  
'Thank you!'  
Mindy handed Joan a note with the number.  
'Thanks.'  
'You've already said that.'  
'I know.'

Joan left, clutching the piece of paper. She wanted to call Lena right away, took out her phone and found a quieter square – a small park. The signal beeped a few times.  
'Hello?'  
'Is this Lena?' asked Joan – her voice sounded weird over the phone and she was nervous, she needed to make sure she had the right number.  
'Yes. Who is this?'  
'Joan.'  
Silence.  
'Mindy gave me your number. I came to the bakery looking for you, just now.'  
Lena still was not talking, Joan grew panicky, was this a mistake? Lena did not sound as though she wanted to talk.  
'Listen... do you... do you have a minute to talk?'  
'Yes.'  
'OK, I just wanted to say again I'm sorry, I left like that the other day. I needed time to think. It's... I wanted to come earlier but we had a case, and...' Joan realized she was babbling and stopped. Lena still said nothing. This was very discouraging.  
'Lena, are you angry with me?'  
'No!' was a quick and adamant answer and Joan exhaled. 'I just wanted to give you a chance to say everything you wanted.'  
'Oh. So, would you like to see, I mean, meet me again?' Joan rubbed her face, oh God, what is happening to me? A soft laughter sounded through the speaker.  
'Yes. I would like that, Joan.'  
'OK. OK.' Joan's mind was racing with possibilities now.  
'How about if we meet for coffee and a walk in the park, somewhere that isn't my bakery?' suggested Lena. 'How about Sunday?'  
That was three whole days away, Joan was not sure she could wait so long, but then they did have a case, hopefully, they would have finished with it by then.  
'OK.' she said finally.  
'I'll text you the details.'  
'How?' came out before Joan could stop herself. She cursed inwardly, 'I'm sorry, I...' but before she could say anything else, Lena interrupted laughing gently again:  
'That's OK. Miracles of technology. I have to go now, but I will meet you on Sunday.'  
'Yes.'  
'Bye.'  
'Bye.' and the line went silent.


	7. Interesting

Sunday could not come fast enough, but luckily the case drove other things out of Joan's mind most of that time. It was only at night, as she lay in bed, her mind still racing from all the work that day, she would guide her thoughts to Sunday, which would make it all that much more difficult to fall asleep.

Sherlock noticed, of course. Joan was hoping the case would keep him too engrossed, but no such luck. They were pouring over pictures in the living room on Saturday night, when he suddenly said:  
'So when is the date?'  
'What?'  
'You're going on a date with someone new you've met.'  
'How?..' Began Joan but then changed her mind. 'You know, never mind. Yes, I am going on a date. Tomorrow morning.'  
'Morning?'  
'What is wrong with morning?'  
'That is not a serious date time.'  
'So? Maybe this is not a serious date.'  
'But why? It is so inefficient.'  
Joan rolled her eyes.  
'Dating is not about efficiency. Besides, I don't even know if I really want to go out with this... person.' she wondered if Sherlock picked up on the fact that she chose a gender-neutral wording. 'Hence the casual date.'  
'That is unusual.' Sherlock mused. 'There is something unusual about this person.' he was musing out loud, most of his mind must still be occupied by the case. Joan was silent. She considered telling him. She did not want him to reach the correct conclusion himself.  
'Well,' began Joan in a sarcastic tone which she hoped was masking her nervousness, 'I think, the whole combination is pretty unusual. Her name is Lena and she owns a bakery and she is blind and black. I don't think I've ever dated a blind black baker.' she stared at Sherlock daring him to say something disparaging.  
'Oh, so you're bisexual,' he said simply. 'Interesting.'  
'Interesting?' This certainly was not a response Joan anticipated.  
'Do you not think so?'  
Joan was taken aback. First of all, she had not even considered a particular label yet. She was not a lesbian, of course, but also did not want to go by any euphemism which makes attraction to multiple genders sound like something dirty, so that you need to come up with a silly cutesy name to make it palatable to society. Secondly, she would have never picked 'interesting' to describe her feelings. However, she realized, hearing it from Sherlock's lips, bisexual fit. More than one gender, same and different, she half-remembered definitions, cited by a college friend. That was simple enough, Joan liked that.  
'Joan?' Sherlock's voice dragged her out of her thoughts.  
'Yes? Ah, yes, I'm bisexual. I don't know how interesting it is.'  
At that moment Sherlock noticed something in one of the photographs and they spent the rest of the night on the case.


	8. Sunday

When Joan woke up on Sunday, she found a breakfast tray next to her bed with a note from Sherlock: 

_Went out to pursue some leads.  
Det. Bell will accompany me.  
-S._

Which, in Sherlock speak meant, _have a nice date, Joan_. She smiled and ate her breakfast, then took a long time in the shower and dressing up.  
Joan was early at the agreed spot, of course. She fidgeted on the spot as people passed by, glancing at her phone every few seconds expecting Lena to call and say that something came up and she could not make it. She needed not to have worried of course. A few minutes later she spotted Lena approaching, a service dog by her side.  
'Hi!' called Joan when Lena was a few steps away.  
'Hi Joan,' said Lena, stopping. The dog stopped also, looking at Joan curiously but not moving. 'Do not pet' read a sign on its harness. 'This is my girl, Padfoot.'  
'She's beautiful.'  
'Thanks.'  
A short while later they were strolling in the park which was bursting with fresh green, not tired yet from summer sun. For a while they just walked in silence. Joan found that she did not know what to talk about. However, the silence was not entirely uncomfortable, at least Lena seemed not to mind it, although she was the first to break it:  
'Joan?' she asked as though they were taking these silent walks all the time and it was perfectly normal for Joan to get lost in her thoughts and forget to talk.  
'Yes.'  
'Can I ask you a blunt question?'  
Joan sighed.  
'Yes, I owe you that much at least, for that day.'  
'No, you do not owe me anything for that day. But I would like to know why you reacted so strongly. I mean, is there something I need to know about so I do not make you uncomfortable.' she stopped just for a second, took a breath. 'Joan, am I the first woman you have gone out with?'  
'Yes.'  
'Oh. I see.'  
'But it's more complicated. I don't know why I reacted to strongly, I didn't think there was anything, nothing in my past, but...' Joan stopped and breathed in, might as well tell her everything, after all, that is what she valued in relationships most perhaps. 'For some reason I just remembered Julia...' and she told the story of JJ again. '… I thought I had forgotten, moved past it, but meeting you, that conversation, it must have brought it to the surface, and I suddenly realized. It was... unsettling, memories flooded and suddenly were made clear. And Julia, she was my best friend and... she was my everything really, and I didn't even know it. How ridiculous is that?'  
'It is not ridiculous. It is very sad. I am sorry, Joan.'  
'And then I must have blocked it out, forgotten it. I was happy enough, just dating men, falling in love with them. But it has been a while now.'  
'Since you were in love or dated?'  
'Since I was in love. I had a brief... thing with someone, but it ended a couple months ago. How about you? Do you date a lot?'  
'Oh, yes, I love to date. It is just fun, you know?'  
'I'm not sure that I know,' laughed Joan. 'Not anymore.'  
'Well, then, I will have to fix that.' smiled Lena.  
'OK.'  
They walked silently another minute.  
'Lena?'  
'Mmm?' the way she made that sound, so comfortable and relaxed with Joan there, made her heart flutter.  
'Can I ask you a blunt question now?'  
'Sure. I am all about blunt questions.'  
'Are you lesbian or bisexual... or something else?'  
'Bisexual. I mean, that was the word we had back then... Goodness, probably more than twenty years ago now. I started realizing it at about thirteen I think. I have a gay uncle and a bisexual aunt and a lesbian cousin came out around that time and there was no stigma around that in my family circles, so I knew that it existed, I knew the words and I knew that it was OK. I was lucky in that regard at least. I do not a recall one specific person that prompted the questioning though. I just started noticing people other than boys. I started coming out in tenth grade, so I was sixteen. I liked the freedom of being bisexual.' she smiled remembering something. Joan said nothing. 'I do not have a story, but I have some stories. I can tell you if you like.'  
'Yes!'  
Lena laughed at Joan's eagerness.  
'I did not mean now, if you don't mind.'  
'OK.' said Joan, a little crestfallen. She felt Lena touch her arm.  
'How interesting would it be if I revealed the whole of myself right away?' Lena said smiling gently. 'Let us keep an air of promise and mystery. That can be fun too.'  
Joan laughed not knowing exactly why. The hand that was still touching her arm, moved down and took her hand. Joan breathed in, turned her head at Lena, smiled. Lena was smiling too.  
'Yes.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Lena's dog is named Padfoot, because I imagine that Lena is a Harry Potter fan. Also, I couldn't think of another dog name that I liked.


	9. Kiss

Nobody kissed anybody that night, unless you count two young men pushing a baby carriage and laughing and stealing a quick kiss as they passed Joan and Lena. Their first kiss did not happen until after the third date. Lena had mentioned that she liked being outside so Joan suggested they have a picnic as it had just gotten warm enough. They spent a wonderful afternoon in another small and quiet park. Joan had a feeling that Lena really liked parks. Afterwards, they walked together to Lena's home. They stopped outside, on the steps of Lena's building.  
'I would ask you to come up but I get a feeling you will say no.'  
'Yeah, I think, I'd better get home.'   
'OK. One last thing, though.'  
'Yes?'  
'I would like to kiss you.'  
Joan's heart skipped a beat. For some reason, this was totally unexpected. Not that she had not thought about or dreamed about it, but she was just getting used to and comfortable with actually being attracted to a woman, to Lena, and the potential of kissing was just that, potential, a far-off possibility in a distant future. This was suddenly becoming too real, even though it had already been three dates, it did not feel entirely real before. It was just something Joan was trying out. Well, not just. But she had not felt entirely like herself. She could not quite believe she was actually doing this.  
'OK.' she finally replied, hoping that she had not been hesitating for too long.  
Lena smiled. She raised her hands. They found Joan's shoulders and, after barely ghosting over the sides of her neck, Lena's fingers moved across her cheeks. Lena stepped closer at the same time. Joan did not know what to do. Lena smelled of grass and the park and a trace a flowery perfume. Fuck, did Joan want to kiss her and felt stupid just standing there. She raised her hands and put them gently on Lena's waist and saw her smile right before their lips touched.

Joan did not quite remember what happened afterward but she found herself walking back home, carrying the empty picnic basket, the kiss playing and replaying in her head. She did not know what she had expected. She was pretty smitten, she realized that, but she had not expected fireworks or anything. Maybe she had thought it would be more different somehow. She remembered Julia talking about how it felt to kiss girls (Joan smiled sadly now, thinking that Julia must have thought she could get Joan to try it with her), sweet and tender and so much hotter than the inexperienced teenage boy kisses which was the only point of reference they had at the time. But then, Joan supposed, Julia never really liked boys that way. For Joan, kissing Lena felt somewhat different but not as much as one could have expected. It actually felt remarkably similar to kissing all the most important men in her life. Except, one can not really remember these things, can they? It is as though you only realize how good it is only when it is actually happening, no matter how many times it happened before.  
Joan touched her lips absentmindedly, recalling how Lena's lips had felt touching them. This was remarkable, though, she suddenly thought. It was remarkable to have such a wonderful person wanting to kiss her and asking her ever so gently, putting Joan's comfort first. Lena did not have to do this, she could have anyone, someone who did not have an identity crisis because of the relationship before it even actually started, someone who did not need to take it excruciatingly slow lest it all suddenly became too much and they had to bolt. And yet, there was she, kissing Joan, of all people. Joan walked on, smiling.


	10. Friends

Joan definitely liked this, dating Lena. They kept it simple and non-demanding for the next couple of weeks. Joan suspected Lena did not want to overwhelm her and was grateful for that. They went to the opera and to a concert – Lena was a fan of modern and experimental, but she enjoyed the classics too which were Joan's favorite. Lena played cello in a band. You could call it jazz, Joan supposed. Joan went to listen to them play one night. Lena had asked oh so carefully, if you feel ready to meet so many of my friends... Joan did not know if she was prepared for that but then again she knew that what they had going, the private quiet undemanding phase could not last forever however warm and fuzzy it made Joan feel. She hoped that the feeling would not disappear with the addition of their respective social spheres to their relationship, but she did not want to think about Lena meeting Sherlock just yet. And there was one thing Joan needed to clear up before they started meeting each other's friends.

'Lena?' they were spending the evening in at Lena's apartment, a couple of days before Lena's band performance. Joan liked it there, it was small, cozy, colorful, walls lined with shelves full of records and various small nick-knacks. They were lounging in the living room, listening to music. Not exactly sure how, Joan had ended up stretched on the couch, her head in Lena's lap who was slowly stroking her hair. Looking back on the evening, Joan could not remember the last time she felt so calm.  
'Mmm?' responded Lena in that adorable way of hers and Joan could not help smiling.  
'Have you... told your band mates about me?'  
'Um... no. I was not sure it would be OK with you. Have you told... anyone?  
'I've told Sherlock... before our first date. I mean, I didn't tell him who you were, just that I was seeing a woman. Oh, and also, our house-keeper, of sorts.'  
'Your house-keeper?'  
'Yes... she's a friend and I... needed someone to talk to about you and Julia... and everything. Is that... is that OK?'  
'Yes, of course, it is.' Lena smiled.  
'And you can tell people about me...' Joan stopped for a second.  
'But?'  
'I... don't know. This is silly...'  
'No, tell me.'  
'Can we not refer to each other as girlfriends?' Joan said and let out a breath of laughter, Lena laughed too.  
'OK, how we should refer to each other then? Partners is a little... premature, don't you think?'  
'Yes... Yes. I don't know. We could just say that we're... together. How does that sound?'  
'That sounds great.'

And so it started. Joan met Lena's band friends and friends from the local bisexual group she was a member of (Joan joined as well, although she felt weird doing so, but then she remembered Julia and decided to become more involved). They even had dinner with Lena's two brothers and their spouses. Joan enjoyed Lena telling everyone 'we are together'. She was glad though that Lena had not asked Joan to meet her parents. Yet. However, Joan had not introduced Lena to any of her friends or family. Obviously, only Sherlock and Ms Hudson knew about Lena, but she and Ms Hudson were not really friends, and Sherlock... well, he was something else entirely, Joan did not know when she would feel ready to inflict him on Lena. Joan had no idea how she was supposed to introduce Lena to her other friends and family. She wondered if Lena would pick up on it and ask Joan to do something about it. Joan rather wished that Lena would ask but Lena had said outright that she did not want to push Joan into situations and conversations she might not be ready to have. At first Joan was grateful for that but the longer it went on, the more ill at ease she started to feel. There was nothing else for it. She would have to be the one to talk about it.  
They were walking one warm summer evening, about three months into their relationship, Joan had come to pick Lena up from the bakery (she had been busy with a case for more than a week and had not seen Lena for several days, besides, she liked the simple casual parts of their relationship best – staying in, cooking together, going shopping, just showing up with no plan or expectations). She brought Lena flowers, small bouquet of puffy peonies, they were Lena's favorite. To her surprise, Joan found that she loved giving Lena flowers. It was such a new experience. They walked towards Lena's home, talking about nothing in particular, Joan thinking about Emily who had called earlier because she had not seen Joan in a while. Joan waited for a lull in the conversation but it just was not happening. Finally, she could not take it anymore.  
'… we could cook,' Lena was saying, when Joan interrupted:  
'Lena. We... I need to talk to you about something.' she took Lena's hand which was holding onto her upper arm into her own hand for comfort. Lena did not say anything as was her manner. 'Have you wondered... why we never meet any of my friends and family?'  
Lena exhaled, it was apparent that she had been waiting for this conversation as well.  
'I just assumed that you were not ready to come out to them yet...'  
Joan sensed there was another thought behind that.  
'And?'  
'And even though it is hurtful, I understand. I would never push you to come out.'  
She squeezed Joan's hand and a scary thought occurred to Joan.  
'But?'  
'Joan, I care about you a lot, and I understand that this still very new to you, but I have been out for most of my life. I do not want to feel like our relationship is something one is keeping secret. If only in part.'  
'I don't want to keep it secret.' Joan stopped. 'But I don't know if I'm ready... God, I feel like a teenager. If only I had known this then, I would probably have come out just to spite my mother at some point.'  
Lena laughed.  
'No, you would not have.' she said, smiling.  
'No, you're right. I was too good a daughter.' said Joan rubbing her face. 'And I suppose, it's easier now. I don't depend on them so much...' Joan trailed off.  
'You do not have to do this right away. I just... need to know that you will. Do you understand?'  
'Yes. Yes, I do. And I want to do this, too. I want you to meet my friends. Especially because Emily keeps wanting to set me up.'  
'I sure hope you are not going on those dates!' Lena laughed again, but Joan could sense a tinge of jealousy beneath and it strangely made her feel better.  
'Of course not. I don't want to go on any dates ever with anyone but you.' it came out without thinking and realizing what she just said Joan froze, this was way too serious and they were already being serious, she might as well have said I love you, this was too soon.  
'Good, because I do not want you going on any dates ever with anyone who is not me.' said Lena in her flirty banter tone and Joan could breathe again – either Lena did not catch the meaning or simply thought nothing of it, as if it was the most natural thing in the world. At least she returned the sentiment, Joan thought smiling.


	11. Out

There was nothing else for it, Joan had to start coming out to her friends and family. It was not as though she was ashamed or anything. She just could not be sure how they would react. However, since Liam, leaving medicine and starting working with Sherlock, she had learned to take it all, or so she hoped. Lena volunteered to be there when Joan told everyone, but Joan refused. She did not want to put Lena in the cross-fire. Also, this ultimately was not about her, but about Joan, even though Lena helped Joan finally see that part of herself, but it was always there, Joan did not doubt it anymore.

Joan met Emily, Ken and Hope at a bar. She had decided to take them all at once and make it casual. This was not a big deal, she told herself and hoped that they would see it like that too. They sat in a booth, sipping their drinks and catching up, Ken and Hope showing pictures of their kids, as per usual. But after a few minutes, Emily turned to Joan:  
'Soo, how have you been? Anything new?'  
'Anyone new?' put in Hope.  
Joan took another sip of beer before answering.  
'Actually, yes.'  
'Oh, something or someone?'  
'Both.'  
'Oh my God, you're pregnant!'  
'No, Hope, I'm not! Actually, the relationship that I'm in... accidental pregnancy isn't a concern.'  
Friends just stared blankly at her. Joan took a deep breath.  
'I'm in a relationship with a woman.' Joan thought about Lena and smiled. 'She's wonderful.'  
'Wait, what?'  
'Are you, like, one of those late-in-life lesbians now?'  
'No, I'm bisexual, guys, have you heard of it? Always have been.'  
'But you have only dated men your entire life.'  
'Why have you never told us?'  
'I'm telling you now. And bisexual means attraction to more than one gender. I happened to be attracted to those men, so I dated them. Now, I like a woman, so I'm dating a woman. I can date anyone and still be bisexual.' Joan felt herself get angry and stopped. 'And I didn't always know myself.' she relented. 'I realized this only recently, but I also know that it has always been the truth. If that makes sense.'  
'It was Julia, wasn't it?' Emily blurted.  
'What was Julia?'  
'Your first crush, love, the first girl you had feelings for.'  
'How do you?..'  
'Come on, Joan, first year of college, you kept her picture next to your bed, I saw the way you looked at it, but you never talked about her, other than saying that she was your best friend. And she never visited you... so... were you two... together?'  
'No.' Joan considered telling her friends the whole story, but decided against it. 'But, yes, in hindsight, I can see that I had... feelings for her.'  
Joan took a sip, her friends followed.  
'Wow, Joan, but you keep dropping these bomb shells on us. First, you quit medicine, then you became a detective. And now this.'  
'What's your point, Ken?'  
'I don't know. It's just... so not the you we met in college, you know.'  
'I know. I feel like... most of my life I was doing things because of a million reasons. Family, respectability, security, being helpful, being good. And now I feel like I'm finally doing things because I want to do them, because I love them. Do you know what I mean?'  
'Yes,' Emily put her hand on top of Joan's. 'I do, Joan. And I'm happy for you.'  
'Me too,' echoed Ken and Hope.  
'Thanks guys.'  
'OK, but the burning question now is,' Emily spoke briskly, all business. 'Who is the mystery woman and when do we get to meet her?'  
'Yes!'  
'Her name is Lena. She co-owns a bakery, she bakes and her partner decorates. She plays the cello and she's in a band. She's wonderful.'  
'So, can we meet her?'  
'Yes, you'd better. How about if we all have dinner next week?'  
They made the plans.  
'Oh, and one more thing, guys, I don't want it to be weird or a surprise...'  
'Oh, God, Joan, there is more?!'  
'Don't tell me, she's married?!'  
'She has five kids!'  
'No, stop! Please. She is blind. And I didn't want you to be awkward about that.'  
'She can't see? But then how...' started Ken but Hope punched him in the arm. 'Ouch!'  
'Yes, she can't see. And I don't want you to be weird about it, so that's why I'm telling you in advance. OK?'  
'OK. Sorry.'


	12. Sleep

'Well, this wasn't so bad,' said Joan. Padfoot was leading her and Lena home from dinner with Joan's friends.  
'It was nice. I like your friends. They were only mildly awkward about my being blind.'  
'Well, they did make a promise.'  
Lena laughed. Joan smiled.

A couple of weeks later, Joan finally moved out of the brownstone. She had set up all the furniture before moving and spent the weekend unpacking. Lena helped and kept her company (Joan had protested only half-halfheartedly).   
On Saturday night they were lying on Joan's new bed, sides touching, Joan's head in the crook between Lena's head and shoulder, their hands across their stomachs and playing with each other's fingers.  
'I wish you would spend the night.' said Joan unexpectedly, they had never spent the night together before, this was one slow relationship. Lena's fingers stopped moving. She did not say anything for a few seconds.  
'You mean to sleep or to have sex and then sleep?'  
'I...' Joan honestly only thought about sleep, kissing Lena and being held before falling asleep. The whole time she was seeing Lena, it seemed she had forgotten about sex altogether. She was enjoying the kisses and the touches and the conversations and doing things together – just the general intimacy, she supposed. But they had been dating for four months now and the topic of sex should probably come up. This was probably another conversation Lena waited for Joan to start. Well, she did that, even if unintentionally. Joan shifted on her side, her hand propping up her head, facing Lena, who turned her head toward Joan's voice. 'I meant just to sleep. But... is it weird that we haven't had sex yet?'  
God, this was so awkward, Joan did not remember having a conversation about sex, with a partner, ever. It would always just happen.   
'Not really. It is not something I rush to do. I do not see the enjoyment in casual sex or having sex right away in a relationship. I mean, there is nothing wrong if you do. Also, I did not wish to make you uncomfortable. And since it did not matter to me, I decided to wait for you to bring it up.'  
'You know, I think, you can stop holding back on the bisexual things for my benefit now. I mean, I appreciate it, really, but I think I'm fairly acquainted with being bisexual by now and I feel like it isn't good for our communication. We started out really nice with all the direct questions, I feel like we should apply this rule to everything from now on. What do you think?'  
'I agree.' said Lena and smiled.  
'OK.'  
'Good.'  
'So... back to sex.'  
'Yes?'  
'Do you want it? Not necessarily now, I mean, in general. With me.'  
'Yes. But not now. I think we are both tired. Also, I would like our first time to be somewhat more romantic. And pre-planned.'  
Joan laughed.  
'OK.'  
Silent pause. Joan reached out and stroked Lena's cheek. They both smiled.  
'So... will you stay over tonight? Just to sleep.'  
'Yes, I will. I brought extra food for Padfoot after all. But we should take her for a walk before we go to sleep.'


	13. Love

Christmas was approaching, New York was buried in white slush and Joan still had not come out to her family. She woke up a week before Christmas in Lena's bed and found herself holding onto her arm. Lena was still sleeping. Joan kept her hand where it was because Lena woke very easily from being touched or, as the case may be now, removing the hand touching her. Joan watched her thinking about a conversation they had last night. Lena had inquired about Joan's plans for Christmas and suggested they spend it with her family so Lena could introduce Joan to her parents and just be together during Christmas. Lena's love for Christmas was almost child-like, she actually loved shopping for presents and she loved spending time with her family and Christmas Eve services at church. Joan smiled thinking about how adorable Lena was, but then remembered her predicament. Her family did not make a big deal out of Christmas, but Christmas dinner was pretty much the only time her whole family came together and her mother insisted on it, unless Joan or Oren spent it with their partner's family and even then she would allow it very reluctantly. Joan also did not want to leave Sherlock alone, even though, naturally, he said that he cared nothing for Christmas, it was just another pointless reason for forced human interaction, he insisted. She actually told Lena about this last night and she said that Sherlock would be welcome at her family celebration as well. 'I would actually like to see him try and go against my mother,' Lena chuckled. But this did not solve Joan's other problem. She would have to come out to her family and also introduce Lena to them, because getting out of Christmas dinner to be with a partner she never even mentioned would certainly not fly. Joan ran over various scenarios and plans in her head and suddenly found all of this ridiculous. She was a grown woman, for fuck's sake. She could do as she pleased, could she not?.. But her mother was her mother and she had this unspeakable power over everything, it seemed. At least over Joan. And to be completely honest with herself, she did not like keeping Lena a secret from her family. Whatever the outcome of it would be, she had to tell them.  
By the time Lena rolled over and woke up, Joan had already decided what she was going to do.  
'Joan.' said Lena smiling sleepily, instead of 'good morning'.  
'Lena.' said Joan, finally moving her hand, stroking Lena's arm and then her face.  
'You have been awake for a while.'  
'Yeah.'  
'You did not move.'  
'I didn't want to wake you. I know that makes you wake up.' said Joan simply.  
'You must really love me!' laughed Lena.  
'Yeah, I do.' said Joan without thinking.  
'What?'  
'I love you.' said Joan, and only then realized what she just said, but she was not going to take it back. Having just decided to come out to her family, it was time to go all in. Lena's mouth was slightly open, she was not moving. 'I mean it,' said Joan. 'I love you.'  
Joan waited a beat, then another. Then Lena smiled.  
'I love you.' said Lena and moved closer to kiss her.

Much later, over pancakes, Joan told Lena her coming out plans.  
'I don't particularly like it this way, but would you be there, with me? Just so... my mother can see how happy you make me.' Joan paused for a second. 'Also she usually behaves better with strangers present... but I don't want to put you in the cross-fire, so I understand if you...'  
'Of course, I will go with you, Joan.' Lena stopped Joan's rambling and reached out for her hand. Joan moved hers into Lena's palm. 'I have just told you I love you. Making you go alone would go entirely against that sentiment.' she laughed and Joan felt better. Everything would be all right, she tried to convince herself.


	14. Family

Joan invited her family to a restaurant. It would be best – easy way out and her family was unlikely to act in any horrible way with other people there. They were all confused by the invitation, what was so important that it could not wait for Christmas dinner in less than a week, but Joan insisted she had to tell them in person.  
When Lena and Joan arrived at the restaurant, her parents, Oren and his wife were already there. Joan squeezed tighter at Lena's elbow as they walked through the restaurant to the table.  
'Hi all.' said Joan when they stepped up. Her brother and step-dad stood up, Joan shook hands with Oren.  
'Everyone, I would like you to meet Lena Saum. If you could all introduce yourselves so she can hear your voices?'  
Her family looked confused but did as instructed anyway.  
'Mary, Joan's mother.'  
'James, stepfather.'  
'Oren, the brother.'  
'Mako, I'm Oren's wife.'  
Lena and Joan sat down. The Watsons looked at Joan expectantly.  
'So, Joan, you wanted to tell us something important?' began her mother after a moment's silence.  
Joan put her hands in her lap under the table and took a deep breath. She felt Lena's hand moving and taking hold of her hand. The others could probably guess that they were holding hands but Joan did not care, after all that is what she came here for. She took another deep breath, words and sentences hurdling through her mind. Joan set her jaw, angry at herself.  
'Yes. Two things.' yes, this was good, order to help to stay focused. 'I'm bisexual and Lena and I are together.'  
Stunned silence followed. Joan squeezed Lena's hand, giving her family time to digest the information.  
'Together?' James finally asked.  
'Yes, James, together, as in, we're in a romantic relationship. Partners, if you will.'  
'Pick out your orders.' suddenly said Mary.  
'Mom?'  
'Pick out your orders.' she repeated. 'The waitress will come back soon and you haven't looked at your menu yet.'  
Joan decided that it was best to obey. She read out options to Lena. The waitress indeed came back in a couple of minutes. They ordered. Awkward silence followed.  
'So, Lena, what do you do?' Oren finally asked and they had a somewhat stilted conversation about Lena, her family, how she and Joan met. All this time, Mary remained silent. The food was brought. They ate.  
'How long have you been... together?' Mary asked during another uncomfortable lull in conversation.  
'About eight months.' said Joan.  
'And you're only telling us now?'  
'I'm telling you now, yes.'  
'And you've been hiding this for eight months?'  
'Well, this isn't exactly the easiest thing to talk about, is it?' Joan took a breath to steady herself – she felt herself getting angry and she did not want to sound angry. 'Also... I still... I still hurt over what happened with Julia. You remember Julia?'  
Beat.  
'Yes... Of course.'  
'So, you should understand that it was difficult to get the courage to tell you this.'  
Mary stared at Joan. Joan looked back. Was it just her, or did her mom look sad and hurt at that comment?  
'What about the other thing?' Mary asked, silently and somewhat gently.  
'What other thing?'  
'You being bisexual – how long have you been hiding that?'  
Joan clenched her teeth. She did not know why it was that her mother sounded so accusatory.  
'Mary,' said Lena, Mrs Watson started. 'I am sure you do not mean it but you sound like you are accusing Joan of something. She has done nothing wrong.'  
Joan touched Lena's hand, still holding a fork.  
'Thank you, Lena, but I can do this myself. Mom, this isn't something that I could just tell. Regardless of history, I needed to get comfortable with this myself, first, can you understand that? Look, I understand that this comes as a shock and that you'll need time to adjust and I don't expect you to understand me right away. But I need you to listen to me and try to withhold judgement, because I don't need to stand it anymore. I love Lena, I'm happier than I've ever been and her family has invited me to spend Christmas with them, so I wanted to tell you all of this instead of just not showing up for Christmas dinner.'  
Joan realized she had raised her voice rather higher than she had intended to, a couple of heads from the nearest tables turned at them and quickly turned away.  
'Are you really happy?' asked Mary, quietly, or so it seemed to Joan.  
'Yes, Mom.'  
'OK then.'  
Beat.  
'OK?'  
'Yes. You should know at this point that all I care about is your happiness. I don't understand this... your relationship, not really. But the times have changed. And I didn't need to understand your work as a consulting detective to see that it was good for you.'  
'Thanks, Mom. Oh, and I only realized I was bisexual when I met Lena, but that's who I've always been. I could've probably... never mind, it just took me a long time to figure myself out.'

The moment they got into a taxi, Joan hugged Lena. Joan was shaking a little. Lena stroked her hair.  
'You were so great.' Lena said, Joan could hear pride and love in her voice.  
'Well, it could have gone much worse. I mean, they didn't disown me or anything.'  
'They just want you to be happy and don't think that you need to be fixed to achieve it. That's a lot.'  
'Yeah, I guess.'  
Joan raised her head and kissed Lena.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so this is the end, for now at least. I didn't expect this to be so short, but I started it as a Camp NaNoWriMo project and this is what I had written when the month ended and I decided that this was actually a nice place to finish this particular story of self-discovery and -realization. Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. Bisexual Joan Watson gives me life.


End file.
